The Heart

On the first day of school I asked my students to write a reflective essay on "The Heart" for homework. I told them they could make inferences, but that they should tie everything to the text of the poem. The responses were very interesting (telling?). I'll leave some of their ideas in the comments. I hope you take the time to read all of them. Sometimes they are the teachers.

The Heart

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-- bitter," he answered;
But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."
.............................................................Stephen Crane 1895

Back to School

Every first day of school that I can remember, my mom made the Putz and I stand by the potted petunias in the front yard for a first-day-back-to-school picture. We should've been more grateful, I'm sure, since we were probably wearing new outfits that she bought for us; carrying lunches that she lovingly made, complete with the "I Love You" note on the napkin; and leaving with "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile" seared into our brains. We know now that she was trying to document each year of our lives because they do go oh so fast... yadda yadda (I'll understand someday..). And this year was no exception.

Since I never really left school, I have honestly been grateful that I haven't had to send her a school portrait every year. You know, the kind where the background is a subdued blue dappled with brown/taupe splotches that represent nostalgia or something like that. Yeah. They still take those. Anywho. I've successfully avoided having to send those to be hung on the wall-o-memory. But Mom, at the end of our last conversation and in her most pleasant, reminder tone did say, "Make sure Rich takes your first-day-back-to-school picture." I could almost see her wagging her finger as she said it. After I hung up the phone, I laughed out loud. Like Rich was going to get up at five effing thirty in the morning just to take my back to school picture. HAHAHAHAHA.

But since I LOVE my mommy, I tried to do it myself.

Mom, this one's for you:

Happy Back to School, 2007-2008, Everybody!

Graceful Saint and Merciful

Mother Teresa’s turmoil laid bare
Writings detailing her doubts about faith a revelation to many

Updated: 5:08 p.m. CT Aug 25, 2007

"Mother Teresa’s hidden faith struggle, laid bare in a new book that shows she felt alone and separated from God, is forcing a re-examination of one of the world’s best known religious figures.

"The depth of her doubts could be viewed by nonbelievers and skeptics as more evidence of the emptiness of religious belief. But Roman Catholic scholars and supporters of the woman who toiled in Calcutta’s slums and called herself “a pencil in God’s hand” argue that her struggles make her more accessible and her work all the more remarkable."

See full article here.

from the Associated Press

Are you watching?

CNN Presents: God’s Warriors

Watch the trailer here, click on [behind the scenes] and then [trailer].

A Synopsis

Protestors who kill for their religious beliefs. “Patriot Pastors” who seek to change American culture through the ballot box. Zealots who target prime ministers and presidents with assassination for “subverting God’s will.” Parents who reject science education in conflict with their religious principles. Suicide martyrs who are revered as iconic heroes. These are “God’s Warriors” of Christianity, Islam and Judaism. They see contemporary society as corrupt and view themselves as the front line of defense in a battle for cultural supremacy and political power. They are changing the world.

CNN chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour journeyed to seven countries over seven months to report for God’s Warriors, a CNN Presents worldwide television event about the global phenomenon of religious fervor upon politics, culture and public life. During six hours broadcast over three consecutive nights, CNN will reveal how “God’s Warriors” want to bring religion back from the periphery to the center of public life – and how far they are willing to go to transform modern society.

God’s Warriors includes thought-provoking interviews with former U.S. President Jimmy Carter; the late Rev. Jerry Falwell in his last television interview; Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a Muslim women’s rights advocate; Yehuda Etzion, a founder of the Israeli settlement movement; and Israeli President Shimon Peres.

See a more in depth Press Release here.

8/22 Jewish Warriors (sorry I am posting late)

8/23 Muslim Warriors

8/24 Christian Warriors

All air at 8:00 pm central

Pit fall

I hesitate to share this since I am currently having trouble determining the purpose of my blog. It's rather personal and requires that I allow you guys to love me (once again) in my vulnerable glory, something that is sometimes difficult for me. But there is catharsis in this, so here we go.

Briefly, yesterday was our official first day back at work. The first day back is always a little bit stressful since everyone is a little anxious about the year, and there is SO much to remember to do on top of juggling the social and productive. But this year I had a little panic/anxiety attack on the way to school, complete with tears. I've gotten really good at letting go of my anxiety by recognizing that I am having an attack (and that it isn't for a significant reason, usually), and I can slow my pulse and my thoughts by concentrating on my breathing.

This one was a little more difficult to control. I finally realized that part of the problem was that there are several people who hadn't spoken to me since I lost Dot Wonderful and since I lost her at the end of the school year. I would sort of be confronting the several who avoided me last year after I lost her. And since rumor mills are particularly fast-paced in most schools, I would have to put out fires left and right and avoid the whispering clusters.

I can't decide what's worse: Having people give you "that look" or having them actually say, "How was your summer? (and upon realization) Oh probably not so good, considering.." And yes, a few folks said that exact sentence to me. Some think I ran away with all of my traveling. I guess in a way I did. But I think in a healthy way. It is hard enough without the extra stress.

I still have some really bad days about losing the baby and have to push away thoughts like, "Of course an extra life couldn't be sustained in this anxiety ridden body. The life in it now has a hard enough time managing." or worse, "Unfit mother".
And there are worse, still.

As I've said before, I get it. People speak out of concern. People avoid because they don't want to say the wrong thing. It is a lose lose battle. At the same time, it hurts me to think that they won't remember, or that I'll someday be the only person who does..

Mad Cow Night

In short, Action Cow Assembly Night* was a smashing success! All enjoyed the task, including my cool new friend, Becky, who didn't run away from the Ft. Worth crazies, screaming, hands flailing. (smile) In a way, Action Cow Assembly Night is a sure fire way to know who your real friends are. Anyone who is confidentially willing to assemble a cow using child safety scissors and a glue stick at a trendy restaurant and who later is willing to build a Tower o' Cow at a local coffee establishment can be my friend. Rich, Jamie, and Christine were game, but we knew that already. Becky played, too, so she's in. It was the waiter who was kind of shifty. Yes. He, too, received an Action Cow Assembly kit. I think he was worried for a split second that a paper cow was his tip.. (Get it? cow and tip.. cow tipping.. I know! It's udderly ridiculous! Hahahahaha. Alright. I'm done.) Anyway, see for yourselves. It was a great evening!



* Thanks Ben and Jerry's!!
p.s. For the record, you can love your newly assembled bovine friend, but you shouldn't LOVE him. Christine!

I Heart Cow

As we were driving to the Modern Art Museum of Ft. Worth to see the (unusual) Ron Mueck exhibit, we saw this sign on the side of a truck:

It's a crappy picture, as pictures tend to be when one is barrelling through a tight intersection next to a large truck while whipping out an action cam from a ginormous purse/tote bag (I had to dig) while singing, "raspberry beret. I think I lo-o-o-ove her". I was greatly moved by this singular phrase, so much so that I knew I needed to share this universal truth with all of you, my fellow man. A statement like this could, after all, change the face of humanity! So I googled it to find a better picture. I typed in "ice cream makes you pretty" and found that the slogan comes from a place called Henry's Homemade Ice Cream. fine. yay. I'll go there someday..yadda yadda..thbpth - jog on.. There wasn't a better picture.

BUT I also googled the phrase as an image and was OVERJOYED to find this:

I know, right?! It IS awesome!! Instruction #6 is especially informative, and I can't wait to observe the 'realistic head bobbing action' (#7)! They are going to L.O.V.E. me at the dinner party* tonight when I pull these instructions out of my ginormous purse/tote bag as party favors. This will show my newly met friends that this girl, indeed, knows how to kick it! Ya-yuh!

*Of course I'll take the camera.. They're lucky that I am not also bringing a pinata and my "Abba Gold" cd

It's that time

It's that time. School starts in a week and teachers officially report back on Monday, though several of us are already working and have been all summer. I always find it funny when Corporate Joe makes a remark like, "It must be nice to have the summer off," usually said with a hint of sarcasm in his tone that makes the statement sound more like, "Must be really nice to have so much vacation time where you do NOTHING and get paid for it while I work year round and only get a measly two weeks vacation time and that includes sick days. Jerk. (eye roll)"

So go be a teacher, dude. The system needs you. I have several other scathing retorts that I could mouth off to him, but generally I am good about swallowing that particular bile. And for the record, of course we don't get paid for our "vacation time". We get paid for our required clock time for the school year only, without overtime which inevitably good teachers HAVE to put in since papers, unfortunately, do not grade themselves. Most of us choose to stretch the wage over 12 months so that we don't, um I don't know, starve in the summer.

(sigh)

Please don't misunderstand. I have to acknowledge that to an extent, CJ is right to be jealous. Depending on the teacher, we can make each summer whatever we want it to be. I, for example, use my summer to feed my travel addiction and to read and sunbathe as much as I want. Also, this summer I happily attended two International Baccalaureate conferences, have had several meetings with the Fougs to plan for this year, have organized my lesson plan book for the entire year and have been to the schoolhouse to get my room ready. In July I had the opportunity to judge literary magazines for the Columbia Scholastic Press Association and decided to try it so that I can do better at advising our school's mag. Also, I've been reading different texts all summer so that I can vary the reading for my literature courses. Today I'll attend a senior level meeting.

There aren't many jobs that get a "do over" every 9 months, and the summer cleanses the palate and lets us catch our breath a little. Summer allows teachers the opportunity to reflect and revise so as to avoid last year's shit smear. Or as Rich wisely (and more eloquently) puts it, "They give teachers the summers off so that some of us will come back." Amen.

But I love the work. I love all of it. A lot.

So, hey CJ! You should be jealous. And even though I do feel a little bit sad that summer is ending, especially since it means that I'll have to stay put for a while, I am optimistic about this school year. Bring it.

Soneto 79 by Pablo Neruda

De noche, amada, amarra tu corazón al mío
y que ellos en el sueño derroten las tinieblas
como un doble tambor combatiendo en el bosque
contra el espeso muro de las hojas mojadas.

Nocturna travesía, brasa negra del sueño
interceptando el hilo de las uvas terrestres
con la puntualidad de un tren descabellado
que sombra y piedras frías sin cesar arrastrara.

Por eso, amor, amárrame al movimiento puro,
a la tenacidad que en tu pecho golpea
con las alas de un cisne sumergido,

para que a las preguntas estrelladas del cielo
responda nuestro sueño con una sola llave,
con una sola puerta cerrada por la sombra.

“Sonnet 79”

By night, Love, tie your heart to mine, and the two
together in their sleep will defeat the darkness
like a double drum in the forest, pounding
against the thick wall of wet leaves.

Night travel: black flame of sleep
that snips the threads of the earth’s grapes,
punctual as a headlong train that would haul
shadows and cold rocks, endlessly.

Because of this, Love, tie me to a purer motion,
to the constancy that beats in your chest
with the wings of a swan underwater.

so that our sleep might answer all the sky’s
starry questions with a single key,
with a single door the shadows had closed.

Pablo Neruda (1904-1973)
born Neftalí Reyes Basoalto
Nobel Prize in literature 1971

Happy Birthday, Jen!!!

I remember when I was four and you were three and our moms lifted us over the backyard fence to meet. You were in a yellow jumper that tied at the shoulders and had blond pig-tails. I probably wore pea green. We stared at each other as we dug in dirt, from shovel to pail, and were silent.(I'll retell this story a billion times!) Who knew that that moment was the start of a life-long friendship that would withstand time, distance, devastating grief, Mr. Lambrecht, and 9th grade prom,and would, at the same time, foster oblivious joy, silliness*, song, and compassion? I am who I am in great part to your friendship. Thanks for that! I love you, Jen!

Happy Birthday!!!


* Silly in every form imaginable:
1. "I do this all the time!"
2. "The Olympic gymnastic champion is.." and dance class in my garage
3. "I'm allergic to cheese"
4. "I can't say that name"
5. "We'll tell the counselors that I was trying to kill a bug on the window, not trying to 'take-out' the air-conditioning"
6. "If there is someone in the house, come out now! We have a gun (sure it was the decorative rifle over the mantle..)"

7. Rod Turner.

8. Ubert and fence walking

9. The neighborhood pool and synchronized swimming

10. Driving my car in the rain.. through a red light.. very slowly..

11. That stupid flower bangs thing and the abusive hairbrush

12. "Avery thinks he is SO hot.."

13. "I just saw that guy I'm gonna marry.."

14. Sneaking over to your house to watch "Three's Company"

15. The clapper.

etc. etc. etc.