Pit fall

I hesitate to share this since I am currently having trouble determining the purpose of my blog. It's rather personal and requires that I allow you guys to love me (once again) in my vulnerable glory, something that is sometimes difficult for me. But there is catharsis in this, so here we go.

Briefly, yesterday was our official first day back at work. The first day back is always a little bit stressful since everyone is a little anxious about the year, and there is SO much to remember to do on top of juggling the social and productive. But this year I had a little panic/anxiety attack on the way to school, complete with tears. I've gotten really good at letting go of my anxiety by recognizing that I am having an attack (and that it isn't for a significant reason, usually), and I can slow my pulse and my thoughts by concentrating on my breathing.

This one was a little more difficult to control. I finally realized that part of the problem was that there are several people who hadn't spoken to me since I lost Dot Wonderful and since I lost her at the end of the school year. I would sort of be confronting the several who avoided me last year after I lost her. And since rumor mills are particularly fast-paced in most schools, I would have to put out fires left and right and avoid the whispering clusters.

I can't decide what's worse: Having people give you "that look" or having them actually say, "How was your summer? (and upon realization) Oh probably not so good, considering.." And yes, a few folks said that exact sentence to me. Some think I ran away with all of my traveling. I guess in a way I did. But I think in a healthy way. It is hard enough without the extra stress.

I still have some really bad days about losing the baby and have to push away thoughts like, "Of course an extra life couldn't be sustained in this anxiety ridden body. The life in it now has a hard enough time managing." or worse, "Unfit mother".
And there are worse, still.

As I've said before, I get it. People speak out of concern. People avoid because they don't want to say the wrong thing. It is a lose lose battle. At the same time, it hurts me to think that they won't remember, or that I'll someday be the only person who does..