People lie. They do. And, as a veteran teacher, I'm pretty good at reading the bullshit meter. So that's why I was dumbstruck that I actually believed all of those "mommy and me" types who talk about the wonder of being pregnant. And yes, though Jenny McCarthy has already said it under the guise of comedy, and though "the girlfriends" act like they've been brutally honest, mostly by crossing out the word "nine" and putting the word "ten" in parenthesis, I'm here to tell you, straight up, that pregnancy is not at all about "feeling the baby's butterfly kicks" and "nesting" in some "serene" and "beautifully glowing" moment in your life.
It effing sucks.
It's about your hips separating from your torso;waking jolting up in the middle of the night, not just to pee (for the fiftieth time), but because you've just realized that you've vurped in your mouth and now you are choking on it; it's about your stomach being in your throat and your spleen filling out a residence card in Canada. There are aches in parts of your body that you didn't know could ache. And it's tiring. So, so tiring. And before you accuse me of being overly hormonal and whiny (oh yes, another endearing side effect), please don't be the person who would just like to remind me that, "it's worth it in the end because you'll be bringing home that beautiful baby, after having pushed him, screaming, out of your vagina. All the pain will melt away, except that you'll have to sit on ice for the next three months, and you will be consumed by the little life that is now and forever a part of yours. And aww! Look at how teeny his hands are.."
Ew. I just vurped again.
I think they forgot to mention all of the nights we'll be up taking care of a colicky baby and making deals with God to just please "make it stop". And there will be lots of poop. Lots of poop. And worry - about the baby, about the finances, about fading into nothingness because I'll have surrendered wholly to the idea that I will never be a full person again.. And then after a grace period of learning wonder and Disneyland (i.e. ages 3-9, when parents tend to conceive again), the pre-teen and teenage years sneak-in with the sole purpose of kicking our 40 somethings' asses.
I keep having to remind myself that I chose this. And maybe if I try to anchor myself in somesarcasm reality, I might actually find the experience pleasant. But one thing is FOR CERTAIN: next time Rich is carrying the baby.
It effing sucks.
It's about your hips separating from your torso;
Ew. I just vurped again.
I think they forgot to mention all of the nights we'll be up taking care of a colicky baby and making deals with God to just please "make it stop". And there will be lots of poop. Lots of poop. And worry - about the baby, about the finances, about fading into nothingness because I'll have surrendered wholly to the idea that I will never be a full person again.. And then after a grace period of learning wonder and Disneyland (i.e. ages 3-9, when parents tend to conceive again), the pre-teen and teenage years sneak-in with the sole purpose of kicking our 40 somethings' asses.
I keep having to remind myself that I chose this. And maybe if I try to anchor myself in some
5 comments:
OK, yes. It's me responding to my own blog post which is considered lame and a little bit sad. But there are three points I would like to make here:
#1 - Perhaps being pregnant AND teaching school (one of the most kid stressful jobs on the planet) is a lethal combo. It makes me a little cranky, especially with 70 billion essays to mark on my to-do list. Did I mention that I currently have the attention span of a gnat?
#2 - Fougs gave up sarcasm for lent. All of her (brilliant) sarcasm is streaming out from under her classroom door and is seeping into the carpet across the hall in my classroom. It's slightly toxic and has made its way into my bloodstream. I hold her directly responsible for the extra bite here.
#3 - I want to be a seahorse. Rich says that the female seahorses somehow take the fertilized egg and implant it into the males. Genius! Not only do the males have to carry the baby, but those clever females may have actually tricked God a little bit. And on that note, thanks a lot, Eve!
OMG your post made me roll on the floor laughing...And also slightly fearful of ever wanting to have children.
Sorry about the leaking sarcasm. The other day one of my kids said he wished I'd go back to being sarcastic; apparently I'm too honest and forthright without it.
I love this post for its honesty. I've ofetn gotten a waft of perfume-over-bullshit off of some new moms, like they feel they need to reinforce (for me, for themselves) that they made a great decision and they'd never in a million years think of doing otherwise. Hey, EVERYBODY thinks of doing otherwise, no matter what the life-changing decision is, so, as I said, I appreciate your honesty. I've played with enough kids (ones I like) to know the worth of having one; I like that you're not, like most, trying to sell me on the idea.
I love your honesty - it's refreshing. I can see myself having those kind of thoughts...and I have to say that I'm sure you're completely normal.
Well, as normal as anyone can be. :)
The best part about when he's a teenager kicking your 40-something ass is that you just *know* he'll find this blog post, too! (tech-savvy future teenage punk!). And right about now in the year 2024, he's also saying, "Mommmmmm....Who the @#$@ is Neal Locke????"
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