Not sure how I feel about...

1. the fact that I am supposed to get up and get ready for work in 3 hours and I can't make myself sleep.

2. the fact that I am so worried about why the baby is moving so much - more than he has in a while - that I can't sleep.

3. the fact that I couldn't support two of my friends yesterday: one because she was wrong and was unfair/unreasonable, the other because I am too tired to fight with or for anyone lately.

4. the fact that I really want to participate in all of the wonderful celebrations that are happening around me (graduation, vespers, retirement parties, getting coffee with my good friend) but I am unable because my body won't allow it.

5. the fact that I can't make myself pick up the ringing phone because I know the line is filled with people who want to know the status of the pregnancy and, because it's all I think about, I don't want to talk about it for fear of what reaction I'll receive.

6. the fact that I don't automatically have that female intuition regarding taking care of children; I have to work at seeing parenthood as a new, wonderful experience and not a binding, stagnant one.

7. the fact that I haven't "stayed" in the same place for more than 5 years in a row in the last 15 years, and I am feeling an incredible itch to move - houses, jobs, continents, whatever.

8. the fact that I really don't like (and haven't liked) being pregnant, mostly because it makes me need people and even though I love people, I am bad at letting myself need them.. what if they don't need me in return?

9. the fact that I place (most of my) self worth on being needed/wanted.

10. the fact that I have started to notice that whenever anything is difficult, stressful, or painful, I catch myself holding my breath - and justify it.