It’s times like these that I have to check my wounded heart and not play into the part of me that wants to settle in the comfort of my own bitterness. I got a call tonight that, unfortunately, has happened in my life more times than is decent. One of my former kids who is now one of my sisters called to tell me that one of my former students, her friend, is dead. And not only dead, but murdered. They found her burned body in a ditch yesterday.
I taught both her and her big brother in seventh grade. They were both active on my creative problem solving team. Her big brother is now a senior in college and she was a sophomore. I remember both of them as being absolutely wonderful- enthusiastic, kind, creative, honorable, up-standing kids – the kind all lucky teachers get to teach. I especially remember her because she always was positive about everything.
I haven’t spoken to either of them in years, but I feel the loss very deeply. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for him, losing his sister in such a violent way. I have absolutely no idea what it must be like to be her parents and have to deal with the loss of a child. But I do know about being a teacher and feeling connected to the circumstance. I do know about losing students, and I do know about the pain of having to deal with that loss mixed with the confusion of having to comfort and uplift others when your heart is anguish stung.
It would be the easiest to feel that the world is shit, that God is shit for letting this happen to such a dear one. It would be easy to allow myself on this, my 4th student loss to violence, to stop caring about my kids in order to protect my own heart from the ridiculous cruelty that the universe tends to hurl in all directions. But I can’t let myself fall into that pit.
I have to say, though, that I don’t buy into that Christian-ease statement that is nonchalantly uttered in times of trial or grief or that is the comfortable thing to say when the situation is uncomfortable - that “there is a reason for everything”. I’m perfectly happy to lay down the bullshit card on that. Some things are simply bogus and no rational reason can ever be assigned to the circumstance. Some things are just flat out wrong in this unbalanced universe. This is one of those things.
But I refuse to give-in to that right now. I’m going to keep-on loving my kids, even if it is out of total defiance. I will keep including them in my prayers, even though I feel that prayer is worthless right now. I will continue to believe that there is good out there, even when at the moment my heart rejects any notion of redemption or light. I will continue.
But she can't.
10 comments:
My heart hurts with you. But I am still going to pray with and for you. All my love, Mom.
I can't even imagine losing a student. How awful!! I am sorry for your loss, I love you tons!!
Jen
Mrs. Haag, this is Brittany. I knew her too. I knew her from Theater Arlington. She was one of the kindest people I have met. I can't believe how she ended and it is so wrong. She was so young. It is sad and I know I will miss her just as you will. I just thought I would comment.
Thank you.
And Brit, you are always welcome here. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this too. And you're right. She was SO kind. This makes no sense.
I hope they catch the guy, soon.
praying for her family, and all who knew her, and for the guy to be caught.
I know this may sound contrived, but I do believe that she is in a better place now. Doesn't keep it from sucking here though. You know I'll be praying as well.
Cliff
Somehow, even though I taught in an inner-city, gang riddled school, that only happened to me once. But once was enough. I can't even imagine four. Perhaps a small part of the teacher dies each time a student passes away.
Like you, I really dislike the whole "this was part of God's plan" crap. Of course, when my dad passed away, someone told me "this wasn't supposed to happen -- this wasn't God's will" and that pissed me off too. I think what is annoying about both is that they are well-meaning, but "pat" answers intended to make grief go away.
For all our science and spiritual wisdom, we really don't understand death. So we cry out to God, asking, "Why?"
I don't think there is a why.
When something like this happens, I think God is probably crying out to us as people...and asking us, "Why?"
But I also think that God is standing with us, grieving with us, with you, with her family, and for our world. And grief, then, is the only appropriate thing to be focused on today.
If you really believe in God doesn't that mean you really believe in heaven and hell?
She's in heaven and that guy or whoever it was, unless they make serious recompense in this life, is going to hell.
That's one of the ways of God's Justice..
And one of the other ways, as has always been the plan: the building of a world where such crimes are less frequent or even non-existent because of the spiritualised nature of a postmodern human culture..
@Mark: While I'm not really sure it follows that if one believes in God, one must therefore believe in Heaven and Hell (at least in the traditional sense), this probably isn't the right time or place to get into that. Perhaps another day, another post.
Thanks for being supportive, everyone.
Maybe another day we can converse about faith/heaven/hell. Not today, please. Today the promise of heaven or hell is not comforting or reasonable for me.
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