The Grocery Store KOD

Has this ever happened to you?:

You go to the grocery store right after work. All you need is milk, stamps, cat food, hair mousse, and coffee (for the love of God!). You go in, you get a basket, you walk right past the fresh veggies, mentally bashing yourself for not eating more fresh veggies and fruit, and then without realizing it, you get the grocery store kod, or Kiss Of Death?

Having the kod in the grocery store is a condition that has the following symptoms:

* All of a sudden you realize that you've been staring at Saltines for 10 minutes.

* You're too lazy to go to the meat counter since there is one guy already at the counter. You think, "I don't need red meat anyway-I'll just buy frozen corn dogs instead."

* You look in your cart and all you have is chocolate and alcohol (beer, wine, or in my case, both).

* You've decided that you absolutely must have cubed cheese because cubing your own is hysterically funny to you. "No one cubes her own cheese anymore," you intelligently and amusingly quip to yourself in the form of a whisper.. that apparently is audible enough that the lady next to you puts down her cheese block.

* You hear over the PA system, "Attention: Ginger at the meat counter pick up line one. Ginger at the meat counter, line one," and you think that means you because your name is Ginger which is not a common name, even in Texas. Then you feel a little bit of relief when you realize that they don't mean you - you hate the phone - but then again, you're a high school English teacher. Maybe the meat counter is a step up? You hold your breath.

* You want to buy vitamins and you've heard that prenatal vitamins are excellent even when you are NOT pregnant (nor do you intend to be anytime soon), but you have a moral argument with yourself because, my god, your cart is full of chocolate and alcohol! What would the cashier think!?

* The bag boy inevitably says, "Hey, don't you teach 7th grade at ______ junior high?" and you search his face for recognition. Finding none, you say, "Yes, um.. actually, I teach high school now (at an opposing school - we beat you at football... HA!)... (shy glance)...What's your name?" and he says, "H____ - you taught me in 7th grade!" and you say, "Yes! I remember you (little shit-head - I remember you - you made my life hell for a year - I certainly have some things to say to you... wait until the day after I retire when I start making phone calls... ) So, hi! how are you? Wow! You're graduating this year? (please don't notice the alcohol and the tampons) Amazing! Yeah... so good luck! Fantastic. Right.." After all, he has grown-up a bit and he does seem respectable now. You chastise yourself for having negative thoughts towards this, a person who represents our future.

* You check-out and praise yourself for remembering to buy stamps, then you get to the car and realize that you forgot to buy everything else on your list. You've spent $100.00+ and you forgot the essentials on your list (MAJOR CURSE WORD!!!). Still, there is no way in hell that you are going back in. You make a mental note to send a thank you letter to all of those dear, dear people who voted to allow alcohol sales in your grocery store and you say to yourself, "I'll just have wine, chocolate, and Saltines for dinner - it's covered."


OK. Note to self: STOP going grocery shopping when you're tired! At least have a glass of wine first...

Getting the kod is only slightly different than the "line disease" that one is prone to in such mind numbing, soul slaying institutions such as Wal-Mart - but that is for another entry...